


What If (Time)

by LosingInterest



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, un-betaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 19:45:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18879976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LosingInterest/pseuds/LosingInterest
Summary: He runs to him until he’s close enough to whisper "Peggy", then Steve’s gone.





	What If (Time)

song : [Lady Antebellum - What If I Never Get Over You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGJf9NBbN_w)

 

**_ What if I’m trying, but then I close my eyes _ **

**__ **

“Say,” he murmurs in the dark, mustering all courage he has left. “If you had to choose –”

“There’s no choice,” Steve cuts him off, battle voice and shit. “I’m doing it.”

“Not the hero, you idiot,” he snorts and fails a genuine smile. “The time.”

“Oh?”

“Going back,” he clears his throat quietly. “When would you?”

“Tomorrow?” Steve raises his eyebrows questioningly, concern latches beautifully around his rough edges. “Bucky?”

“No shit, Sherlock,” he runs his hand through his hair, frustrated at himself. “I’m not phrasing it right, I guess?”

“You’re not speaking Russian, at least,” Steve gives him playful shove. “Try again?”

“Time,” he swallows, his throat is so full he might die choking on his own heartbreak. “Day? Year?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know,” Steve says slowly like he’s been thinking through which Bucky knows is a bullshit because Steve doesn’t really ever think through. He’s been raising his fists since before he’s able to walk properly. “Then.”

“When you’re about to die after saving a stray cat?”

Steve acts like he’s mad but there’s a pride in the way he reaches to clap Bucky on his shoulder. “Sure, buddy. What a memory.”

“It’s easier to remember the time when you’re being all dumbass with no self-preservation.”

“Easier to remember than every time I get to parade in tight leather with sense to save the universe?”

“Not that,” Bucky scowls at him. “Ass.”

“ _The_ Ass,” Steve clarifies and lays his head on Bucky’s shoulder to rest. “How about you?”

“Hmm?”

“Which year are you going to come back?”

Bucky closes his eyes, an answer flashes before him but he shuts his mouth tight. He doesn’t trust himself that much, not yet. “Few years ago,” he lies after a while. “But it’s not about me.”

Steve hums softly. “Just _if_.”

 

**_ And then I’m right back, lost in the last goodbye _ **

 

James Buchanan Barnes used to be someone who’s fascinated by science. He used to see the world with wonder, waiting for the next day to happen. He used to greet sunrises, watching sunsets, spending times with caution but never really regret. He used to remember everyone’s birthday and forget to put his shoes neatly in the corner.

He’s not used to want to forget. He’s not used to stare at the distance and wish for memory loss, not after what he’s been through. He shakes himself from that thought as he catches the sight of someone approaching.

“It’s weird, isn’t?” Sam asks after few seconds of comfortable silence. “To be back.”

He doesn’t know what to say. He’s not that charming boy with poor yet simple life anymore. Hell, he can’t even remember his own name sometimes, gasping like deserted fish and trashing around in his sleep. He doubts he’ll ever coming back to that kind of self again. _Steve can,_ his head whispers. Something hot and feverish settles in his stomach, tingling on his nerves like almost-dead butterflies. He blinks to remind himself that it’s not what Sam was talking about.

“Yeah.”

“Time is weird,” Sam continues, looking past the scenery before them, right at the unseen future that’s promised to be brighter. “It felt like only a moment yet they told me it’s been years.”

That’s what he’s been told too by every survivor, by every hero who’s brave enough to move on and forward. That’s what he’s been told by Steve, who’s been trying to live every single day like he’s not killing himself inside.

“Time is weird,” he agrees. He can feel another presence, coming closer with barely hushed conversation through the passing wind.

“The last thing to do,” Sam nods to himself. “Hopefully.”

He used to hope, a lot. He can’t find it within himself right now. Not when the sky is getting bright, not even with all prayers in the water.

“Time,” he breathes and lets go.

 

**_ What if time doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do? _ **

 

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

He almost retorts _‘til you get back?._ Almost.

“Bucky?”

“I won’t,” he nods. He is flying, he is falling, he can’t tell. “You can take all your stupid with you.”

“I’m not taking you in this,” Steve grins winningly, laughing at his own joke. “ _My_ stupid can stay with Sam.”

“I’m surely one hell of amazing babysitter but no, thanks, Captain,” Sam rolls his eyes. “Just get in and get out, easy.”

Bucky steps aside to let them bid good luck. He laughs when Sam yells _see you later, alligator_ as Steve sets himself on the machine. Steve doesn’t shout anything back because he’s an old man with grief in his eyes and weary smile and especially having hard times keeping up with the century. Steve only smiles at them then nods at Bruce because Steve is a soldier who’ll do anything necessary to save everyone even if that means sacrificing his own idiot self in the process.

Bucky wants to reach him and pulls him in a hug and keeps him inside his heart because Steve is the only anchor to keep him going through another day, another time. Bucky can’t do that because Steve is the guy who’s saved him from many things, Zola, HYDRA, the world, even his own thought. Bucky can’t be selfish because Steve is Steve.

He runs to him until he’s close enough to whisper _Peggy,_ then Steve’s gone.

 

**__ **

“He’s not coming back,” Bucky tells them but mostly himself. It’s about time for him to realize that anyway. It’s the best time to start taking steps, baby steps if it’s too much, toward the world where the dust has settled and buildings are still rumbled. It’s _his_ time to be a hero.

“Something’s wrong,” Bruce’s voice is uncertain. “I think something’s wrong.”

“Maybe,” Sam tries his best not to panic but Bucky knows better.

Bucky knows best, perhaps. Not too much, but enough. The only way to go to the future is by not going back. The only way to go to the future is by moving on. It’s weird, yeah, but every movie lies. Time is weird just like that. He looks down at his hand, stupid and mismatched and empty and past.

_This_ , he barely hears the others’ conversation behind him. _Is Steve’s past._

Steve belongs to the future, the one where people will treat him better and he’ll have everything he’s ever dreaming of. That’s what he used to say to that sick and skinny Brooklyn kid. That’s what he’s going to say every now and then. Steve belongs to the future he chooses for himself, not what the government wants him to have, not what Bucky’s been wishing him to have.

Steve’s future is somewhere in this goddamn timeline when war’s over and his best girl is still alive. Steve’s future is somewhere he wants to be, _year_ be fucking damned and all. Soon, today will be Steve’s yesterday. Soon, now will be Steve’s once upon a time.

 

**_ What if I never get over you? _ **

 

He doesn’t hear the rustle; he doesn’t feel anything until he’s being pulled back. His brain only catches up once the warmth settles around him.

“Where are you going?”

He can hear the frown. He wants nothing but disappear right at the moment. He doesn’t want to be seen. He doesn’t realize that he’s shaking.

“Bucky?” Steve’s voice floats into his ear, his unsteady breaths hitting Bucky’s skin. Steve’s chin rests carefully on his shoulder. “It’s me.”

“It’s you,” he chokes out. “Don’t come back.”

“What?” Steve pulls back abruptly. “ _What?_ ”

“I can’t -I can’t explain,” Bucky feels like he’s turning to dust once again. “Don’t see me,” he murmurs under Steve’s stare. “Don’t.”

“Well, _fuck_ ,” Steve curses shamelessly. “I’m not going away.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Bucky wants to punch him.

“What the fuck is wrong with _you_?” Steve snarls right back, squeezing his arm past the point of hurting.

“You shouldn’t come back!”

“I get to choose that!!” Steve grits his teeth, his eyes are murderous rage.

At that, Bucky’s heart shatters. His tears fall and he lets himself be held.

“Bucky,” Steve’s hand is spreading heat along his spine. “What’s wrong?”

“Me,” he admits at last. “It’s me.”

“You’re not.”

“You get to choose,” Bucky can’t feel his knees. His lungs seem to give up on breathing properly. “And I couldn’t let you.”

“Why?”

“Because you won’t be choosing me.”

Steve’s body goes rigid on that, his palm stays still on Bucky’s nape. “What?”

“You go –”

“I _went_ ,” Steve is quick to correct him.

“Yeah, okay,” Bucky sighs. “For how many years?”

“Eight? I don’t know, I tried my best to put the stones where they –”

“It’s only seconds for me.”

“I know,” Steve whispers. “That’s why it’s should be easy for you.”

“It wasn’t,” Bucky laughs dryly. “It’s easier if it’s years.”

“How?”

“Because then I can explain why did it hurt so much. It’s easier to explain when it’s longer, when there’s enough time to miss you, to long for you, to think…it’s easier to tell you why I wish you’d choose me,” he tries to swallow again only to sob in the end. “It’s hard to explain how it hurt just as much even if it’s just a few seconds.”

“Bucky –”

“It’s just -it’s just a blink but hurt, Steve. How am I going to explain that?”

“Shh, Bucky, I’m here.”

“I didn’t have time to miss you, I didn’t have time to mourn over you, to remember you but it hurt! It’s ugly and -and it’s broken and stupid but it hurt, it’s hurting!” Bucky shouts until the lump in his throat dissolved into nothingness.

Steve only holds him, his heart is thunderstorm inside his chest.

“It broke something inside me,” Bucky clenches his hands, trying his best to shrink into himself. “And it was just a few seconds.”

“Bucky,” Steve hugs him tighter. “I know.”

 

**_What if I gave you everything I got?_ **

**_What if your love was my one and only shot?_ **

**_ What if I end up with nothing to compare it to? _ **

**__ **

Steve is against him once they’re inside their shared room, surrounding him with real and solid warmth. His mouth is right next to Bucky’s ear, as if he’s about to tell stories only them would know about.

“I miss you,” he breathes, and, “I know.”

Bucky clutches on him desperately. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Steve’s hug is nearly painful. “Please, never.”

“But I –”

“I love you.”

Bucky’s entire universe is falling onto his lap, scattering before his eyes into pieces which none of them is not beautiful.

“I love you,” Steve repeats himself then he says it again and again and again and again.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky frowns, unsure if it was a forgiveness or his punishment.

Steve doesn’t seem to hear him this time. “That’s why.”

“That’s why?”

“That’s why it hurt,” Steve pulls away slightly so their foreheads can rest against each other. “Seconds, years, _fuck_.”

“I love you,” something blossoms inside Bucky’s ribcages, something red and blue and white and painfully strong. “I love you, that’s why.”

“Yeah, stupid,” Steve gives him a smile then his eyes are opened, gazing through Bucky with question. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Bucky kisses him; fire, war, promises. “Only few seconds but –” he gasps when Steve’s mouth moves onto his jaw. “Hurt.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve laughs through his own sobs. “I didn’t mean to make you –”

“Choose me,” Bucky begs, slowly coming back inside his skin, crawling back home.

“All the time, Bucky, all the _time_.”

 

**_ What if this lasts forever and ever and ever? _ **

**__ **

“Peggy,” Bucky asks him later as they’re on bed, losing in each other’s embrace. It didn’t come out as a question but they both know that it will always be one. Something unfinished, something deep and distant.

“Was happy,” Steve’s fingers skate onBucky’s stomach, tracing patterns of invisible stars. “I said goodbye.”

“I’m sorry, Steve.”

“It’s the past.”

“What now?”

Steve kisses him twice and lets the night tuck them away.

 

**_ Maybe months go by, maybe years from now _ **

**__ **

Time rolls steadily one afternoon. They’re walking hand in hand in this new place when Steve suddenly pulls away, taking three steps forward and Bucky’s left hanging, stopping in his track with sudden panic creeping in his veins.

“Steve?”

Steven Grant Rogers turns around to face him and smiles. Nothing in Bucky’s memories prepare him for that, the happiness radiating freely from the man before him. They’re always constantly racing with clock, running through, back and forth; fighting deaths, coming around the impossible, for God knows how many centuries it’s been.

“Bucky,” Steve fishes his dog tag out of his pocket, holding it on his open palm then gets down on one knee. “To the future with me?”

“’Til the end,” Bucky reaches for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while crying my heart out because YOU KNOW WHY. Please do not kill me, I'm already on the verge of doing just that after Endgame. This is a self indulgent story and I swear it's better in my head than in this shitty fiction I tried to pour it into. GOOD GOD.


End file.
